The Biggest Snake In The World

The way National Geographic tells it, the heavyweight champion of the snake kingdom is the green anaconda. It's big. It's just preposterously big. The best graphic they could come up with to contextualize its mass is labeled "size relative to a bus."

The anaconda can grow to lengths of up to 29 feet, weigh upwards of 500 pounds, and, as has been remarked upon by many respected zoological experts, don't want none unless you got buns, hon. Employing that old snake trick of unhinging its jaw, it eats, to put it bluntly, basically everything alive. Less succinctly, the Rainforest Alliance lists its diet as "large rodents, deer, fish, peccaries, capybaras, tapirs, turtles, birds, dogs, sheep, aquatic reptiles like caiman, and even jaguars." They are also difficult, but not impossible, to get onto a plane.

For the discerning nightmare collector, we'd also like to point out that the reticulated python can technically grow to be longer than the green anaconda, topping out at 32 feet. That said, they can never match the anaconda for weight, especially since there's one behind you right now wearing a cartoon napkin tied around its neck. Wherever that is.

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